A Foot in the Door

Something plaguing me.

Picking away at my mind. Eating and gnawing, licking any little crumbs away. Makes the smoke look merciful as tingling skin and hazed thoughts are soft and relaxing. Unlike the crispness of the attitudes we wade in the colder north. A chill in the air. Runs down my spine. I am constantly falling in walking, I see it all the time. One step forward is the hardest meeting for the pavement to soft steps.

In darker times, I believed the world around me formed in a way that scared me. That when I turned my back nothing would exist. But I could never catch it out, for it was always two steps ahead. Turn around; the floor, ceiling, stairs, wallpaper, paint, door handles, marble fireplace, rug just off centre, carpet dirty cream, book hanging off the desk's edge, cup half empty but still warm, candle burning - room hazy glow, untidy magazine rack that wasn't filled with magazines, flowers past their beauty's best but still so lovely to me. They were all in view. Turn around the door before me all I see, but behind gone - fallen away. Anticipate every move. Can't outwit it. Only in dreams that continue seconds after waking, do we catch a glimpse of this hidden law. It was scary, but also okay. I didn't question it, it was accepted and that was all I knew.

That I walk on a gravity that colouring in with texture, shade, tone, definition and detail - all before I should notice or be aware. So noted when travelling as the ability to see the beautiful lines revealing laughter and the twinkle in your eyes, even the curves of lips (hidden by those disastrous frowns, you'd only need look up to catch a smile from across the space-time compression in which you experience, ever in past). This ability, it fades. More than fades, it is sudden. Snap of fingers, it is different. A something change. As I panic at not seeing it, those faces - all the   

Gone.

I've always been a fan of theoretical conceptualisation. Area of interest. Research and study. I should theorise that I never used to feel like I had much to lose, so very selfish in that respect. So unthoughtful. Study those beautiful minds.

And now the fear sets in. For I consider it further and I wonder, does my love disappear in that moment? Not in heart, for there it shall live so cosily and happily from now. But that those I treasure disappear in their entirety and that I need think them constantly back to being. Do I disappear when not in their view? I should never want to lose all this. And so this construction leaves me fearful and I need constantly reminding. Til I can settle this howling. A pain that I quiet with soothing words and gentle, lilting melody. I should choose a cup half filled to warm my hands. You'll never leave me, thank you for making me know you exist always.

This is not enough, this is not what I meant.

These dreams are spoiling my thoughts, and these endless notes are swimming in my vision. But not the way those raindrops are falling backwards, and the snakes in the carpet, the screaming of the walls that have heard too much heartbreak and secrecy...

Leap from the edge, jump.

I need your arms, your blanketing words. I am so glad there is not long now.

Until The Colours Run

All this electricity in the air. Finally finding the beautiful energy (no darkness) and taking it home. Opening palms and facing them - asking humbly, politely, hoping for anything offered from life. Not anything more. Not believing in books and words of old but the lessons of which we have grown from and the love that carries us forward.

We are forever.

A swelling of goodness, a way to tell you 'there is always more'. The reality check cleared: 'okay' because you can reach that point of ecstasy again. Over and over.

Different for always.

Messages sent and heart hammerings embraced. Smear the red lipstick, smooth the curls and walk out with eyes smiling. And as we walk away from the scene it gracefully falls to the floor. Shedding the dead skins that meant hiding, covering, falsities. Fresh faced, anew walk with the air and finally feel the rush against uncovered masks. There is always a one, maybe not an only for some, but whoever that maybe I hope you find them. Find your joyus soul, rejocing in ways you will not fully understand but try to feel anyway. Experiencing soul life in body form was always a nonstarter. We must close our eyes to open them.

There is more than just this.

Giving you all and at first hoping it was enough. Worried that it couldn't be. Lost at sea. Seen the boat. Climbed aboard and saw the face of truth that of course it's more than enough. All you can give is an amazing gift. It is enough. Be content. Watch the ocean waves slow and calm their thunder. The sun on the horizon, kind and fading. Back soon, back soon, back soon. 'Start again' on many tomorrows, which is okay too. You are not consumed. You are just vulnerable and trying to leave it that way. Growing yourself, you have become the most beautiful tree I've ever seen. Tall, strong, natural carving, wondrous colour and stimulative scents. Safe, sheltering home. Climb a little higher and see the meadows of all your life before you, roam them another day. Adventure awaits those that would walk its paths.

Promised. Kept. Smiling.

Wash the Sins Not Only the Face

Stolen time made for one another,

all that was needed.

A future to tend for,

like garden roses -

sometimes there are thorns.

But so beautiful the flowers,

that should grow, 

we take the risk,

for the sweet nectar.

I'm so used to seeing things, that feeling them is somewhat different. I don't know if that's what I want - but a new experience should always be welcome. And there will be so many.


"A new kind of daring; the danger over and so far away. (It will take new forms but that is okay)."

Machineries of Joy

Escape for a while.

Dusky and dull heated evening. Horizon line fading fast, but orange and blue glowings fill the sky. Hear the sounds as they merge into one, from the soft sounds of muffled conversations between newly found lovers, insects buzzing and humming and the lilt of a gentle band playing the evening into an audible delight for years-to-follow memory.

Little spot lights and flickering candles adoring the steps, corners and ceiling. You feel their loving warmth in the light they meagerly offer. More than enough to humble a sharp tongue. Red flowers, unknown to you but oh so very beautiful, adorn all over. The most fabulous epidemic the walls had ever seen. The smell of aromatics, they fill your head and the taste of citrus and good wine.

Floors worn from a day of sunshine with cloudless blue skies, little shade to offer amity. But the eve leaves them pleasant to the steps of any that tread here lightly. Barefoot, olive skin and a golden ring. The eye watches over and protects you tonight, from wayward and clumsy steps. All from a market bracelet.

Stolen flowers adorn a crown, fitted on her dainty head. Brown hair not as long as she'd like. Precious fingers and a graceful step. As she twirls, what is known as 'time' passes and the crown replaced by a single flower perched delicately behind one ear. Eyes the same, as are the rosy cheeks. Skin so smooth, a life in the Sun's graces. Crows feet and dimples, only serve as a reminder of what a life it's been so far.

Smile worn in, not so freely given as before. But she is still so happy. Picture moments only perfect in memory form - not missing anything by looking behind the lens of the camera. The night is so still. So peaceful, nostalgic, ending. Yet, so amazingly alive. And she wants nights like this forever.

Pedestrian Verse

Anew and left not knowing what to say. It's not as if words fail, because even in that they succeed, gloating and smutty. Triumphant over what the mind refers to as speechless. But it has been so long and if things could stop for more than one or two infinite moments then that might be enough. Until a hand is held with the warmth of another it does not mean it cannot be strong alone. In spite of this though, sometimes there is a great loss in all that surrounds, encompasses and permeates. And there are a few capitalised words in that sentence, not for dramatic effect but more as a means of emphasis (cynics even see that).There's just a lot of starting and stopping. Metaphorical life, escape ending.

Unaware of the colour secrets that escape the world. You should be so lucky, and is that so. Agree and sign where exactly? Uncomfortable surprise. Digesting and still considering. All we're ever doing. Thought machines on legs to move and with arms to labour. Simplified and unrealistic so we turn to the senses to offer an insight into something so wonderfully new. Deny experience, comparable to lack of rights. Dignity retained, lie back and see the energies converging. Enlightenment prescribed by nature.

Open minds are intrinsically linked to the heart. Cultivated knowledge is hidden and must be sought in the most obvious of places. Right in front of our eyes, but found too even when they are shut. Darkness is never really black, unless you think of it that.

Night vision, parallel to you. Let go, feel and see you as a dream maker, conversation literally unrivalled. Unnatural but so familiar. Clink, mechanism turning and end. Soul enter, see good and take refuge. Feed me. Don't let this be ordinary. That's right. Not all is down, awake! You make me want to be so extraordinary, for us.

Fantastical things, but I'm just human too. The excuse in failing forever.

See lanterns, see bannermen, see fire, sea and earth. March the hill, to the next road and not to doom. Time a lost concept, eventually. You will return home safe again. Even if that place is just in your head. Keep a lid on it. That mundane room and the way the ceiling finally disappeared. Temporarily. Replaced by a void so vast, it cannot be measured. A space so colourful it appears different each time you blink. Every spot a new star. Every star a new story. Too much to consider for one life time. So quickquickquick read like the light and don't miss a thing. Something that takes personal years to consider, written in seconds. And they say words are so important when they can be so inconsiderate. Ceiling returns but this magick is no secret now.   


Most importantly what I've learnt so far: Laugh where-in Joy.

Too Long In This Condition

I see to have been nominated for an award, by the fabulous Mich. Thank you! Go read her blog, seriously. It makes me giggle on my worst days, and even more on the best. I'm not entirely sure what the award is called..
If you've only just started reading this blog, this post may seem a little out of the blue. I'm more than imagery, secrets and sadness, surprise (even to me)! 

 

The rules:

- when you are nominated, thank the person/people who nominated you in your next post. Include a link to their blog.

- in that post include 11 things about yourself.

- answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.

- choose 11 bloggers to nominate.

- create 11 questions for them to answer.

- let them know you nominated them.
 

11 things about myself?

 1.  I am one of those people that not only sings in the shower but takes their vibrato wherever they go. My flatmate knew I was home earlier because I was humming down the corridor. Completely unaware, of course. Now I'm sure most people do this, at least I kind of hope so. Although my flavour of every month is musical theatre, really you could find yourself falling upon any tune. Then when it's just me in the house, I sing and sing and sing until I realise I'm crying or laughing and happy (or hoarse..). 
 

2. I study Geography and no that doesn't necessarily mean I know where everything is on a map. Or that I know the name of every river or tiny village in the far reaches of the globe. Though I am very good at colouring in, staying within the lines and everything, excellent.
 

3. I've just had my first Christmas that I fully remember and wholly enjoyed. Thank you, special someone. I'm so very much in love. 
 

4. Still haven't got that tattoo I was on about getting forever ago. I'm hoping that I'll know when it's right. That there will be some kind of sign.
 

5. I'm always cheating with the wind, I love its feel. The way he can take you places and provoke thought. The smells he tempts with and the loads he carries. Some blame his brothers in the terrible distasters caused but really they were here first. Weather will always have my attention.
 

6. Books had nearly fallen out of my life. By that I mean good, interesting, enticing, absorbing and spell binding stories. The kind you fall in love with and then are regretful and sad when they end. The ones where you feel for the lives of the characters, so much so you cry and rejoice with them in time to their chronology. I am so grateful to my boyfriend for ensuring that I continually have something new to read when I'm not working. I just finished Fight Club and now I'm devouring The Five People You Meet In Heaven. 
 

7. I'm really freaking small. Guarantee I've heard most of the small jokes that are out there. If you are creative, try me for size (no pun intended). I'm not a midget but I am juuust under 5ft. Apparently I could be posted. I get called fairy or pixie sometimes. A few years ago my hairdresser told me that her daughter who is around six years older than me, was the same height as me and then suddenly she grew, practically overnight, and is now nearly 6ft. Now, I don't want to be that tall, nor am I entirely convinced on the entire honesty in that story but a few inches might be nice. Pwease?  
 

8. 2012 was a very odd year. I am glad to see the back of it for many reasons, but there are far more that will make me miss it dearly. I can really say for the first time, almost ever, I'm really excited for what's to come. I've had many first times of new things and some old that should have already perhaps passed, yet I know there's so, so many more to follow. 
(That doesn't include this January because I have exams and deadlines and it's so stressful that I keep shutting down and once again my sleeping pattern is messy so I have a constant headache from that. Anxiety prison.)
 

9. I completely adore lemon, cinnamon and mint. That's cut down from a very long list, but I'm pretty sure these three are my top favourites. I seem to add them to whatever I can when cooking or baking. 
 

10. I once laughed out loud in my sleep and I've spent months trying to remember the dream that caused it so I can tell someone about it. There's a few dreams I'm clinging onto. I'd love to tell you, but like a secret I'm not only worried that they won't come true if I let the words leave my lips, I'd also be concerned that they'd have left my mind too. Gone so I couldn't even remember their fragments. I get so anxious about this that I won't even write them down in my thoughts log (I can't call it a dairy because it's not just mine alone). 
 

11. I'm a glittery person. In a very literal sense. Any place I go to, person I see, they'll be glitter-ed. I don't know what it is, it's just everywhere. Maybe it's because I'm believing whole heartedly that we're golden, really. Stars glittering everywhere. I love all this colour.

Mich's questions:

1. Who's your favourite Batman villain?

Oh man this is hard. I have to go for the Joker though. The chaos, alone. I don't really know how to do it any kind of justice with words. But it's powerful stuff. 
 

2. Who is the rightful ruler of Westeros?

This is a very exciting question as I've now played the Game of Thrones board game (annnd intend to more) and love the series (hadn't had a chance to read the books yet!). Now if we're being picky then it's Stannis Baratheon, he's the rightful king.
I do love the Starks, I was referred to as Lady Stark throughout the game. Most pleasing. Although the Greyjoys should be in with a chance too, just because I think that they're pretty cool. 
 

3. You're stuck in the booby-trapped home of the bad guy from The Collector, and locked in a room with your neighbour's annoying and kind of vicious dog, a bully from your grade school years, and a relative you really can't stand. You happen to stumble upon a way of escape, but there's only time to grab one of the others in the room to save them before the booby-trapped room kills the other two. Who do you save?

Well I hadn't actually heard of this so I just looked it up and it reaaaally sounds like something I would not ever, ever, ever watch. However, I'd want everyone to get out. Regardless of what they'd done. Most likely shout out as loud as I could. I have no idea how the dog came in with us but he sounds like a bit of a liability if they're vicious. Saying that though I do love animals a whole lot. Oh dear I don't know at all. I'm going to be up all night with this. 
 

4. You're having a grand ol' time at a party when suddenly the zombie apocalypse strikes. Luckily, everyone at the party has awesome survival skills, and most of them brought food, water, weapons, and camping gear with them in their cars. If you leave with them now, you WILL survive the zombies and get to a safe place somewhere in the wilderness.

...However,

your family is still in your house, over an hour from where you are now, and much closer to the city (which is obviously filled with many more zombies than the suburbs or the country, where you are). And you have the family's only working vehicle.

What do you do? Stay with the other survivors, or risk everything to go back for your loved ones who may, in all likelihood, be overrun by zombies already?

(How do you come up with these Mich, aha they're so good!)

I have seen one episode of Walking Dead and couldn't physically be left alone for the entire next 24 hours. My coping in the even of a zombie apocalypse would most likely be very weak. I wouldn't be able to do anything alone. I'd try calling if possible. Tell them to get out of there. I definitely wouldn't make matters any better if I went on my own though, probably worse knowing my luck. 

  

5. What's your favourite bird?

Eagles. Close contender with robins though! They make me feel very festive. I also love owls (I have a little obsessed of making folded owls and scenting with lavendar). And song birds... Not such an easy choice then.
Promise that I took this photo myself too :) Family of 4 flying over our boat when I went to the West Highlands with my Dad a few years ago. They are very beautiful and majestic to watch when they soar overhead.  

 
6. Do you believe that dragons and unicorns once existed, sometime long, long ago?

Dragons definitely. Unicorns are a bit sketchy for my liking, most of the time.  

 
7. Have you ever thought about robbing a bank? How would you do it?
Nope, the guilt would be far too crippling for me. Definitely wouldn't make a very good accomplice in a heist. I wouldn't even be any use as a getaway driver. Far too distractable for a look out. Oh dear.

 
8. Yay, you found a genie!

Make three wishes.

 (i)  make my essay and exams go away (selfish I know)

(ii)  anyone that's having a bad day, something wonderfully unexpected to happen so they can smile today

(iii) that I could see Sam sooner rather than much later.

 
9. Do you have any strange phobias?

I don't think I have any strange ones, not ones that are springing to mind anyway. When I was much younger I used to have a phobia of going down. The action of it, so walking down a hill or going on a down escalator. Which led to me taking the stairs whenever possible. Luckily it doesn't affect me anymore. 

It's not really a phobia, more of a recurring nightmarish thought but I constantly feel like I'm going to trip over or fall and just die or something. I see it play out all the time. Fairly haunting.

 
10. Under pain of torture and death, you must choose between spending twenty-four hours in a bathtub full of wolf spiders, or marrying into Honey Boo Boo's family and spending the rest of your life under house arrest in their home. What do you pick?

I have to pick the family. Given the chance, I could inspire some change and if not they can throw me out and that'll be the last of it.
 

11. It's nighttime and you're leaving the mall to hurry to your car, which is parked in a dark and empty corner of a sketchy parking garage. A nerdy-looking man nearby is trying to load some heavy shopping bags into the trunk of his car, but he's having a very hard time of it because he has a big cast on one arm. He ends up dropping half of his stuff all over the ground.

Do you stop and help him?

If I was having a good day I would absolutely stop to help him. However, if I were having a bad day, which is a lot of the time, I'd really want to but would struggle. I got lost at a train station the other week and had to really dig deep to ask the attendant where the platform was. I was really freaking out after and nearly missed my train. I just shouldn't be allowed out on my own.

 

If you've made it all the way to here I salute you. I hope this was a somewhat fun read for you. I know I don't really post stuff like this often. Or post much at all for that matter. Just few, far and inbetween. 
I nominate any follower of mine that wants the chance to do this. You are all worthy of an award. But there's a haze of a headache coming on so if you want questions email me or something and I'll try and work some out. 

Love always.

M x